He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
