Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
