He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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