I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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