No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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