question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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