these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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