you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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