i wish there were pregnant emoticons
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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