so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
