I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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