you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
