it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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