theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I AM VODKA MAN
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize