you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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