The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
