Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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