She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
