it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
