Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize