I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
