My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
