I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
