Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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