he puts the penis in happiness.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
