Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
