Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize