she woke up with a sticky ear
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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