I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
