My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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