Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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