Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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