New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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