I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize