I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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