so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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