he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
