I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
