I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
