I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
