The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
