Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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