I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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