Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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