Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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