tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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