Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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