So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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