I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I deserve this hangover.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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