My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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