guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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