Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
