Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
