Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
