im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
