At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
