If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
