roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
