My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize