woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize