im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
