dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
