Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize